Gas lighting

Your foot in the door …
Your yells in my ears …
Your txt on my phone …
Your voice mail messages …
Your threats …
Your attacks …
Your irrational, unpredictable behavior …

All saying I’m the crazy one.
I’m the sinner.
You’re praying for me.

I’m selfish.
I’m wrong.
I’m the problem.

If only I would come home.
Then we could work it out.

You attack me every time you’re close enough to reach me.

I’m the one with mental health issues.

Yup.
I am.
I lived with you for 17 years and almost died. I was trapped and alone in your insanity.

You’re still beating me down.
You’re still taking your best shot every chance you get.
Except this time.
It’s my fault and you follow it up with a scripture and a ‘prayer’.

It takes everything in my power to refuse to say I hate you.

You don’t deserve that much regard.

I may be alone.
But at least I’m alive.

When am I allowed to say….
I can’t do this anymore ?
When I have a solution ?
When I have an escape ?
When he stops ?

I’m sufficiently beat down.
I have no answers.
Better yet … Neither does anyone in my support system.
No one wants to hear it any more any way.

Don’t listen to him.
don’t read his text
don’t let him near me
Oh and my favorite. …
get a pfa.
Pfft. Hello. You think this guy gives a @&$& about a piece of paper ?
He’s so manipulative it would only be one more tool in his arsenal against me.

Check please.

Nothing witty here.

If I am doing so well…..
Why do I feel so sad.

I have learned many things in the past year.
Yet at times one question keeps coming around.
What do I do when I’m not ok.
I know what to do when I’m sad, mad, happy, frustrated… Simply be.

Sometimes that doesn’t cover it when I’m in too deep. When the grieving process takes over and I can’t function. When I can’t face one more hurdle. When the simplest of tasks seem far too daunting.
What then ?
Just be ?
Easier said than done.
Kinda need my job.
Kids kinda need their mom.
I can scrape by on mere existence. But that won’t do for the youngens. Turns out I guess they need a heck of a lot more.

Which only lends fuel the anxiety fire.

That fire burns so bright at times that it almost feels like it separates me from the rest of the world.

Trapped in a circle of pain and fear.

Then in the midst fighting that battle… Without fail mr wonderful descends to spew his venom and poisonous wrath.

In hindsight, it’s sheer amazement that I didn’t give up sooner.

Umm. Perhaps stupidity is a better word.

At this time. In this place.
I am alone.

Learning to breath

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~Rumi~

Thank you for holding my hand when I could not walk.
Thank you for showing me light when I could not see.
Thank you for nourishing my soul when I could not eat.
Thank you for showing me how to breathe.
I cherish the many happy tomorrow’s.

I am blessed by you, my teacher, my friend, my heart.

Namaste.

Wah Yantee

Mr. wonderful,
I have spent much energy, thought, and anguish trying to devour the morsels of all my yesterday’s. I’ve groped and clamored to find the place where I am able digest all I have experienced.
I have pondered and wracked my brain, looking for reasoning and sensibility. I have been looking for the road that leads me away from you.
Looking for the reasons why you won’t let me out of your grasp. Why you won’t let me have peace. Looking for the key to unlock my shackles to you.

But alas.. That’s the dilemma isn’t it.
There is no key because there are no shackles.

I’m not the one wracked in chains.

I am the one person that you’ve exposed your true self to. I am the person that loved you despite all of your flaws and struggles.
I am the one that rips at your mask.

I think you don’t want to let me go because you’re afraid there won’t be any hope for ever losing your mask.
You hold on to it as fiercely as you hate it.

I can’t and won’t be responsible for your fears any longer.

I am the only person responsible for my own authenticity.
So too are you the only person that can remove your mask.

I revel in my freedom and I celebrate the person I have become.
I am thankful for the blessings I’ve been given, and I cherish the love that I have found in my life.

Goodbye Belpiacere.
Goodbye Old Caroline.

GOODBYE mr wonderful.

My power is my own.
I know now, life is living fully in the choices we make.

Wah Yantee

One of life’s finest pleasures :

Getting up before dawn, having coffee and an English muffin with out of this world jam, doing some paperwork, organizing the day, and MOST of all …. Crawling back in to my warm yummy bed even for just a few minutes to rally my strength.
OMG. Thank you universe.
I am thankful !!!

Jan 13 2013.

I overdosed on some major drugs. Drugs that didn’t take but a few minutes to take me along a journey in to the depths of
my soul. What occurred outside my mind was irrelevant. The medical interventions, the restarting of my heart, the life support. They were mere physical manifestations of the war I was fighting within my true self.
I remember feeling like I was under water. There was so much pressure and I couldn’t breath. There was nothing to stop me from sinking like a rock. But when I landed at the bottom it was as though the waters spread and light filled my soul. I felt so light, so relieved.
I can not, nor will I define who I spoke to in that beautiful peaceful state. But I can tell you there were many tears shed and many questions asked. I can vaguely remember few. I have always said one very distinct dialog included being told I was going back and that it was going to be very very difficult.
I have always been ok with not remembering many details. I feel like it’s not necessary .
I have been reading Eat Pray Love and today I came across something that brought me to tears. Not boo hoo tears. Not weeping tears. Tears the came from the depths of my being. In the book the author is talking about her spiritual journey at an Ashram in India and finds herself in the bathroom on the floor in he middle of the night distraught so she begins to write (her one true solace) and as she write her pleas to the Divine, The Universe Help Me Please The response is. “I’m right here… It’s ok. I love you and I will never leave you.”
Waterworks of tears flowed down my face as I realized in that battle for life I experienced , those were the words I carried with me. Not in my mind, but in my heart.
I can’t speak to any other part of that experience. Other than to say ….
I AM GRATEFUL.

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