Gas lighting

Your foot in the door …
Your yells in my ears …
Your txt on my phone …
Your voice mail messages …
Your threats …
Your attacks …
Your irrational, unpredictable behavior …

All saying I’m the crazy one.
I’m the sinner.
You’re praying for me.

I’m selfish.
I’m wrong.
I’m the problem.

If only I would come home.
Then we could work it out.

You attack me every time you’re close enough to reach me.

I’m the one with mental health issues.

Yup.
I am.
I lived with you for 17 years and almost died. I was trapped and alone in your insanity.

You’re still beating me down.
You’re still taking your best shot every chance you get.
Except this time.
It’s my fault and you follow it up with a scripture and a ‘prayer’.

It takes everything in my power to refuse to say I hate you.

You don’t deserve that much regard.

I may be alone.
But at least I’m alive.

When am I allowed to say….
I can’t do this anymore ?
When I have a solution ?
When I have an escape ?
When he stops ?

I’m sufficiently beat down.
I have no answers.
Better yet … Neither does anyone in my support system.
No one wants to hear it any more any way.

Don’t listen to him.
don’t read his text
don’t let him near me
Oh and my favorite. …
get a pfa.
Pfft. Hello. You think this guy gives a @&$& about a piece of paper ?
He’s so manipulative it would only be one more tool in his arsenal against me.

Check please.

Nothing witty here.

If I am doing so well…..
Why do I feel so sad.

I have learned many things in the past year.
Yet at times one question keeps coming around.
What do I do when I’m not ok.
I know what to do when I’m sad, mad, happy, frustrated… Simply be.

Sometimes that doesn’t cover it when I’m in too deep. When the grieving process takes over and I can’t function. When I can’t face one more hurdle. When the simplest of tasks seem far too daunting.
What then ?
Just be ?
Easier said than done.
Kinda need my job.
Kids kinda need their mom.
I can scrape by on mere existence. But that won’t do for the youngens. Turns out I guess they need a heck of a lot more.

Which only lends fuel the anxiety fire.

That fire burns so bright at times that it almost feels like it separates me from the rest of the world.

Trapped in a circle of pain and fear.

Then in the midst fighting that battle… Without fail mr wonderful descends to spew his venom and poisonous wrath.

In hindsight, it’s sheer amazement that I didn’t give up sooner.

Umm. Perhaps stupidity is a better word.

At this time. In this place.
I am alone.

Learning to breath

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~Rumi~

Thank you for holding my hand when I could not walk.
Thank you for showing me light when I could not see.
Thank you for nourishing my soul when I could not eat.
Thank you for showing me how to breathe.
I cherish the many happy tomorrow’s.

I am blessed by you, my teacher, my friend, my heart.

Namaste.

Wah Yantee

Mr. wonderful,
I have spent much energy, thought, and anguish trying to devour the morsels of all my yesterday’s. I’ve groped and clamored to find the place where I am able digest all I have experienced.
I have pondered and wracked my brain, looking for reasoning and sensibility. I have been looking for the road that leads me away from you.
Looking for the reasons why you won’t let me out of your grasp. Why you won’t let me have peace. Looking for the key to unlock my shackles to you.

But alas.. That’s the dilemma isn’t it.
There is no key because there are no shackles.

I’m not the one wracked in chains.

I am the one person that you’ve exposed your true self to. I am the person that loved you despite all of your flaws and struggles.
I am the one that rips at your mask.

I think you don’t want to let me go because you’re afraid there won’t be any hope for ever losing your mask.
You hold on to it as fiercely as you hate it.

I can’t and won’t be responsible for your fears any longer.

I am the only person responsible for my own authenticity.
So too are you the only person that can remove your mask.

I revel in my freedom and I celebrate the person I have become.
I am thankful for the blessings I’ve been given, and I cherish the love that I have found in my life.

Goodbye Belpiacere.
Goodbye Old Caroline.

GOODBYE mr wonderful.

My power is my own.
I know now, life is living fully in the choices we make.

Wah Yantee

One of life’s finest pleasures :

Getting up before dawn, having coffee and an English muffin with out of this world jam, doing some paperwork, organizing the day, and MOST of all …. Crawling back in to my warm yummy bed even for just a few minutes to rally my strength.
OMG. Thank you universe.
I am thankful !!!

Jan 13 2013.

I overdosed on some major drugs. Drugs that didn’t take but a few minutes to take me along a journey in to the depths of
my soul. What occurred outside my mind was irrelevant. The medical interventions, the restarting of my heart, the life support. They were mere physical manifestations of the war I was fighting within my true self.
I remember feeling like I was under water. There was so much pressure and I couldn’t breath. There was nothing to stop me from sinking like a rock. But when I landed at the bottom it was as though the waters spread and light filled my soul. I felt so light, so relieved.
I can not, nor will I define who I spoke to in that beautiful peaceful state. But I can tell you there were many tears shed and many questions asked. I can vaguely remember few. I have always said one very distinct dialog included being told I was going back and that it was going to be very very difficult.
I have always been ok with not remembering many details. I feel like it’s not necessary .
I have been reading Eat Pray Love and today I came across something that brought me to tears. Not boo hoo tears. Not weeping tears. Tears the came from the depths of my being. In the book the author is talking about her spiritual journey at an Ashram in India and finds herself in the bathroom on the floor in he middle of the night distraught so she begins to write (her one true solace) and as she write her pleas to the Divine, The Universe Help Me Please The response is. “I’m right here… It’s ok. I love you and I will never leave you.”
Waterworks of tears flowed down my face as I realized in that battle for life I experienced , those were the words I carried with me. Not in my mind, but in my heart.
I can’t speak to any other part of that experience. Other than to say ….
I AM GRATEFUL.

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It’s only A Day

So …. This is it.
Elation, hope, fear, dread, sadness, tears, relief….. On and on they go.
One emotion after another. Like marching ants at a picnic they move along; maybe not in such a steady pace; yet marching along they go. I like the rhythm of their procession. For me it means motion. It means I’m not stuck in one spot sinking like quick sand. I’m not trapped.
Perhaps most significantly… It reminds me I am alive.
“Emotions simply exist to be known.”
I can’t say I particularly have any interest in entertaining some of them any longer than necessary. Nonetheless… They are real.
Yesterday I celebrated. I embraced my joy, hope, relief, exuberance and zeal for life after I signed the papers beginning the divorce process.
Today I am scared, sad and hurting.
I know I’m in a much better place. I also know my life is about to get excruciatingly difficult. I know all of the energy mr wonderful has spent trying to get me back pales in comparison to the momentum his anger will carry him.
For a brief moment I considered going over to retrieve my books and belongings still there. But I thought better of it. I know he’s not home. But I don’t care. The energy that house holds isn’t worth corroding my progress. It pains me to think that the possibility exists I may never get some of those items back. But one thing my near death experience
Taught me …..
Life isn’t in stuff. It’s just stuff. Sure
It has special heart touching value. But I’m learning to value myself over any other person or thing.
I’m worth it. G’ma’s precious moments and treasures are special. But even she would have chosen sanity over objects.

And so . I grieve.

Ce la vie.

I am GRATEFUL. I am BLESSED, and I am ALIVE.

Goodbyes.

I saw a twinkle in your eye.
You saw an object.

I dreamed of unity.
You dreamed of possession.

I wanted to share.
You wanted to own.

I wanted to give.
You wanted to take.

I wanted happy.
You wanted sad.

I wanted optimism.
You chose pessimism.

I was the problem.
You were the “solution”.

I had no value.
You were king.

I wanted to die. ….

What did you truly want.

Even now you’re not man enough to own your own feelings.

Now I release you.

I see you for who you are and what you’ve done. The choices you’ve made, the words you’ve said, the lies you’ve told, the person you’ve become.

I release you. !!

It is good. !!
Very very very good.

You have no power over me any more.

Slippery slopes

It’s peculiar, I know there won’t be any safety nets this time.

When I was told that if I don’t shake this, I May never recover. My response was that means certain death.

Here I am wallowing.
Is it laziness to not fight the depression ?
Especially when I know where this road leads.

I know how to do it. The only reason I didn’t die last time was because I chose not to at the last minute and asked for help. It still put me in ICU on a vent.

It makes me cry to think of where this slippery slope leads.

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Dear Universe

Dear Universe,
Thank you for all the blessings. I’m grateful and humbled by the extent to which i have been given everything I need to carry on.

That being said …. Umm
Hmm

Are the past few weeks your idea of a joke or are you just trying to remind me I’m human?

I am really trying to maintain my composure and keep things in perspective.

However, that trip to the shrink scared the begeebers out of me. Seriously. Was is really necessary to threaten me with hospitalization on the ten month anniversary of my discharge ?

I know I’m struggling but wtf. There was no part of that mental health ward that helped me ; outside of the awesome nurse who spent 45 minutes telling me her story. She shared how she got out of an abusive relationship and rebuilt her life. She gave me hope. But honestly, omg. It was ridiculous. It got to the point I was helping other inmates read. Oops. I mean patients. Sorry. Slipped.

There are only a few things I really got out of my last doctors appt.

1). Do not share the fact that it’s been difficult to get out bed. Or that hmm. Yeah there are days I don’t want to do this any more. Or that I could care less if I eat of not. It wasn’t that much weight loss. Sheesh (have you seen the size of my ass lately. I mean really let’s get real here )

2) I seriously need to get my shit together because going back to inpatient. Or outpatient for that matter is NOT an option I’m going to entertain.

3) BLEH !!! Ok so maybe I’m towing the line a wee bit too closely.

4) Meds BITE.
I mean really.
Not once have I ever considered a physiological catalyst to my depression.
Every med I take for narcolepsy ….
Wait. Ss.
Let me preface this by saying my sleep doc upped the dose in September.

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Alrighty then.

Can you remind of my options again please. I am stuck on the medicine I take for narcolepsy that is supposed to help me live a half way normal existence is lending to debilitating depression.
Where’s the joke in that ?
Not take the meds and exist in fatigue that’s enough to…. Well. I don’t know. When’s the last time you were so sleep deprived you couldn’t think, walking felt like a chore, and there were simply no reserves to draw on ?
Because the overwhelming sense of exhaustion would bring me to tears.

Umm.
Gee and I’m depressed. Go figure.
Wait lets really look at the whole picture since we are here.
Extreme fatigue, hard to function, physically and emotionally drained …. AND almost impossible for any one to relate to. Let alone understand.
Feeling of alienation.
Nah.

I’m all good.
Life is fine.

I’m still here aren’t I ?

Thank you Universe for letting me whine.

But maybe … A lil help please ?

Hugs.
Forever Yours.

Caroline.

Ps.
Mr wonderful claims to be in a spiritual battle for our marriage.
Funny I’ve found myself in a battle for my life.
He “rejoices in every day that passes that he is still married”.
Whoa. Seriously. I won’t talk to him, I blocked his cell, his emails go to junk mail, and when he comes to pick up the boys I don’t open the door far enough for him to see me.
Wow.
Those are some very high standards for marriage.
I guess it’s the epitome of 17 years of marriage…. A piece of paper. Like the title to a car.
Care, regard, concern aren’t required to hold that piece of paper.

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Lies
Lies
Lies
Lies.

When you say you love me.

Lies
Lies
Lies
Lies
Lies

You just don’t think I see.

Lies
Lies
Lies
Lies
Lies
Lies

But I do.
I see Clearly
More clearly than you could ever imagine.

Keep your

Lies
Lies
Lies
Lies
Lies
Lies
Lies

Or…..
Show me someone who won’t lie to me. …

“Hubba, Hubba, Hubba!
Ya know how the bud of a flower looks? Already attractive, special, and unique yet still barely hinting at the splendor and magnificence to come. Oblivious itself of how its presence will add to the world.

That’s what you remind me of.

The Universe”

Excerpt From: Dooley, Mike. “Notes from the Universe.” Simon and Schuster, 2007. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Feeling very very oblivious today.!!

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Hope

The quiet solitude of healing…
The place I go to deep within my soul.
The place I’m safest.
I find peace there.
I find love and joy and hope!
Spending time there reminds me of who I truly am.
I am happy and connected and grateful because my vision changes when I’m there.
I see truth and I know truth.
How clearly the blessings that surround and envelope me appear when I am in that quiet place.
That place is me.

I am thankful

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Journeys

Ok I know I haven’t been writing much but honestly I’ve been busy at the task of rediscovering my life.
At the moment, for whatever reason, it’s really hard to put in to words all the wonderful things around me.
I can say that Jan 13th seems like a lifetime ago, and I am happy.
I am grateful for the blessings I’ve been given.

I can’t help but share this “note from the universe”.

“You see, it’s the same
with everything. It must happen in thought first. It must. Even when, especially when, by all outer appearances, your desires seem preposterous.

Anyone can think happy thoughts when they’re happy, wealthy thoughts when they’re wealthy, healthy thoughts when they’re healthy.

Your life’s mission was to create the stage you’re now on so that you’d have reason to awaken from your slumber. To have dreams worth pursuing and the passion to press on in spite of the conditions surrounding you. To learn you must look beyond your illusions and grasp that your dreams are indeed what’s meant to be.

This is the Holy Grail. Your search is over. Go out on a limb, give it your unending best, and never, ever, ever give up. There haven’t been any accidents, you haven’t made any mistakes, and the perfection is excruciating—you’ll see.

Carry on, brave heart”

Excerpt From: Dooley, Mike. “Notes from the Universe.” Simon and Schuster, 2007. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBooks Store: https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewBook?id=381580118

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Thankful

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“What good does it do
knowing approximately where the treasure lies, yet never digging? Having a bank account with millions in it, but never writing a check? Or discovering the fountain of youth, but never drinking a drop?

You must live the truths you discover, you must break your old rules, defy logic, be the change. Dig, write the check, and drink eternally, one little step after another.

I’m sorry, but there’s no other way.

Tallyho,

The Universe

PS—Of course, you can ask for help.”

Excerpt From: Dooley, Mike. “Notes from the Universe.” Simon and Schuster, 2007. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBooks Store: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/notes-from-the-universe/id381580118?mt=11

Big Smiles

Have I mentioned I’m thankful ?

Oh my goodness. I am thankful for the many many many ways I am blessed. !!

It tickles me with joy to acknowledge the power I have taken back from mr wonderful. To call back my energy and release his is one thing. But to truly be capable of looking him in the face and without remorse dismiss him and his insane behavior is like a tall drink of fresh cold lemonade on a hot hot. Hot day !! It quenches the thirst of my soul to be free, to be whole, to be HAPPY and unbound from the web of lies manipulation and deceit.

Wow. I’m thankful.

Hahaha.
I just envisioned what it must feel like to accept an award of achievement and have to thank all the people who have helped you and came along side you along the way.

Without any one of those people I wouldn’t be in this peaceful loving place I’ve found to attend to my wounds and nurture my soul.

The journey ahead is just as daunting as it has ever been. But knowing love and finding strength from within has made each day seem that much brighter. Knowing that not one of the hurdles I face , I face alone calms my heart and clears the vision of my mind because I’ve found healthy happy supportive relationships.

I am thankful !!
Hugs.
~~ Caroline

New Beginnings

New Beginnings

How many times have you said it?
How many times have you felt it ?
The exhaustion from a life time of despair
The pain of a life unfulfilled.

The spiraling realm of chaos. That has been the center of every day life
The disillusionment of abuse.
When enough is too much
How do you know

When the universe steps in and takes over. There’s no escaping , denying, ignoring, pacifying , placating, or manipulating
Life is officially out of your hands.
And what are the choices then ?
Embrace ?
There is always a choice isn’t there
Always an option
Always an out

It’s all a matter of who you’re going to trust isn’t it

New Beginnings are happiest when you Learn to trust yourself.

Wow that’s abstract

I’m Not Going !!!

Call me
Scream at me
Txt me
Swear at me
Plead with me
Beg me
Lie to me
Threaten me

Do anything you can think of to put me back into your sea of despair!

I AM NOT GOING

How did you so eloquently put it ….
F&$& Y@&

Must be nice to be the one with everything all figured out.
Lets make a deal ..
You keep your chaos and insanity
I’ll find me and my life.
And never the twain shall meet

Oh except I can never get away from you and you’ve vowed to make my life a living hell….
Well..

I AM NOT GOING

The Subtle Stones

You got me. You who are so wonderfully talented and thoroughly practiced in the art of deception. You are like a sniper in your attacks. Your vicious verbal assaults come in so subtlety and calmly. The smile on your face as you do it makes it seem as though you’re talking about your favorite movie or childhood memory. It enthralls you to watch me squirm under your barrage of insults as I crumble at your feet. The further I fall, the taller you stand. Enamored in your own greatness. The mightiness of your deviance and appearance of self control.
But I see you. I see your lip quiver. I see your deflection I see your self doubt awash your ashen face every time reality knocks upon your door.
Truth is never relative. Paint any picture you care to of how you would like life to be. You can not change who you truly are. Because the disdain I find in your destruction is nothing compared to the disdain you find in yourself.
Beat me down if you must
I will walk away.
But you, my dear, can not. You will forever be trapped in the confines of your own insanity.
Oh yes. I died that day tell me again how they restarted my heart three times. Tell me of your greatness in spending countless hours waiting for ….. What …
Oh yes. Truth is never relative is it !!
Tell me it didn’t cross your mind
Oh the freedom
But no. That’s not possible. Because there in lies the problem.
You are responsible. And you will forever be bound to the consequences of your actions. If by no one else other than You !!
Trapped in your own insanity
So , by all means, throw your stones.
Because its not me your aiming at !!